The Day My Little Boy Ran Away

“The Day My Little Boy Ran Away”

“Suddenly my tiny hands burned as I was torn away from my fence perch while talking with our neighbor Fritz. Earlier, I had climbed all the way to the top square of the chicken-wire fence so I could look Fritz in the eye. It was his fence and he never seemed to mind me climbing on it. But it sure enough pissed off my dad, Bushy.              

My fingers were still stinging when I heard the old man say, ”Goddammit! How many times have I told you not to climb on that fence? Get your ass upstairs.”

I knew I was going to be beaten again. Already crying, I looked back at Fritz for some redemption. He turned his back on me and walked away. I cried louder when I went inside hoping Ma would save me. She said nothing but set her beer bottle down on the kitchen table and belched. I cried louder and looked right at her. She turned her head and continued to watch television. I thought about those two adults, two grown-up people, who did nothing to save me and protect me, as I climbed the steps to my bedroom.

I heard Dad taking two steps at a time and most distinctly, heard him removing his belt. I was begging for mercy In fact, I was crying so loud all the neighbors must have heard me, and yet none came to my rescue. Dad shoved me to the floor so he could get long swings and pulverize me, not with the leather end, but with the buckle end of his belt.

My fingers no longer hurt from being ripped off the fence. Now, it was the pain of chunks of skin being torn away from my forearms as I protected my face. I felt my ribs crack when he kicked me with his work boot. I stopped crying instantly. I could not breathe. I was curled in a ball and did not care what happened next…”

Excerpt from “The Shade Tree Choir” by David Nelson

I was six years old when that incident occurred. Punishment like this was a regular occurrence until I was seventeen years old and had graduated from high school. This step toward independent living, away from the abuse, was my ticket to freedom. I left the house right after graduation. I remember it like it was yesterday. Children who are physically or emotionally abused remember many events exactly. There are other situations we force ourselves to forget. Sometimes later on in life, we remember in startling detail.

That day is clear in my mind for it was the exact time in my life that the little boy inside of me experienced genuine abandonment. Neither my neighbor nor my mother came to my rescue. That was the day the boy inside me ran away and hid. That was the day I knew I was on my own. It’s odd how one can actually pinpoint an event that has haunted him or her for life.

Fear of being abandoned is a common thread among abused children and adults whose parents were alcoholics. In my case, both of my parents were alcoholics and Ma was mentally ill with bouts of incapacitating depression.

Sadly, many adults who were abused as children have trust issues and won’t allow others to get too close to them emotionally. They may have difficulty sharing feelings, communicating openly or hiding behind a wall due to a fear of insecurity. Many formerly abused children will feel subconsciously, “If my own parents didn’t love me, then who will?”

Consequently, such individuals can have problems with interpersonal relationships. Some adult victims may try too hard to keep an attachment and in the process smother their partner. The abused person may try as hard as they can so they won’t lose their partner. They know the awful pain of feeling abandoned. Some adults waffle between the two reactions.

Each time a child is abused a pathway is set down in the brain as a life experience. The child may interpret the beatings as “deserved.” Because, after all, it’s the parent who is “all-knowing” and the one administering the punishment. The child then interprets the entire scenario incorrectly. When the child is abused repeatedly, the neuro-pathway becomes strong and leads to an inaccurate belief system. They may feel deserving of abuse, develop low self-esteem and live life being sad all the time. Some women accept verbal and/or physical abuse from their spouses – “because they feel they deserve it.”

Research shows that abused children have decreased serotonin, increased dopamine and increased testosterone. These chemical reactions have been linked to depression, anxiety and ideations of suicide. Many psychiatrists are of the belief that medications will stabilize the patient. Some psychotherapists believe “talk therapy” is the answer.

The adult may live life from the viewpoint of “I deserve to be beaten” – which translates into “I’m a failure.” Many abused children grow into adults with low self-esteem. Others take the opposite approach and spend their lives trying to prove the ghosts of the past wrong.

Those who refuse to accept that they were, or are, deserving of abuse often become over-achievers. These people will live their lives trying to prove to the ghosts of the past that they are indeed a good person and did not deserve the punishment they received.  I fall in this latter category and am thankful that I took that path. However, that aggressive lifestyle often leads to one of high anxiety and stress. I’ve written about Stress Management in other blogs of mine.

According to the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data Systems, in 2012, thirty-one children died each week from abuse, in the United States just alone. Thirty percent of States do not mandate legal representation for children in abuse proceedings. A review of relevant literature reported one research study that showed adults who were abused as children suffer from depression, anxiety, emotional behavior issues, suicide ideation and actual attempts at suicide.

My belief is that, the more we discuss the issue, the more we will help children who have been abused. Years ago it was taboo to even mention the term “mental illness.” We now know that clinical depression is a form of mental illness. I, for one, am pleased that society is finally talking about the issue. The tragic suicide of Robin Williams and unfortunately, the many school and workplace shootings have brought mental illness to the surface.

Personally, keeping the disease at bay has required considerable effort on my part. I continue to lead a life of never sitting still and having at least one major project happening at all times. I focus on that positive activity and that helps keep the doors of depression from opening. One of the problems with the disease is that people with the disease don’t look sick. That is why when someone commits suicide or kills someone, neighbors and friends are shocked.

I meditate daily, perform heavy exercises at the gym and begin each day with positive thoughts. A review of literature from the Mayo Clinic reported the benefits of meditation include:

·      Increase endorphin production (that are responsible for the all-encompassing sense of happiness).

·      Increase in a chemical called GABA (which is responsible for stabilizing moods).

·      Increase in a chemical called DHEA (which has proven to decrease depression).

·      Increase production of melatonin which is useful for proper sleep

·      Increase production of serotonin which has a profound influence over mood disorder

·      Boots HGH (a human growth hormone) which is also linked to a lack of motivation

Exercise creates many of the same benefits. Mental imagery has also been a useful tool for me. Research has shown many positive results from picturing yourself or a life event in a positive way. Elite athletes use this technique all the time. When I worked as a physical therapist I used to teach my patients the process of mental imagery. I told them every day to see or envision themselves walking again or using their hand or whatever the affliction was that I was trying to improve.

If you’re troubled by any of these psychological ailments, I suggest you speak with your physician as to the best approach for you. I simply show here what works for me. If it’s any consequence, there are numerous famous people who have suffered depression. Some of these include writer, Mark Twain, actor, Marlon Brando, astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, Athlete, Terry Bradshaw, world leader, Winston Churchill. As we know now, all walks of life are affected.

Another technique I use is to write. When I am creating, I’m too busy to dwell on any sadness. I have written books dealing with child abuse, reactions to the abuse and success despite the abuse. I wrote one book about how to manage stress. My web site is www.davidnelsonauthor.com

My life has been devoted to helping that sad little boy who was ripped from the fence and beaten; to the boy who ran away years ago seeking inner peace and to face life more fully.

I want to take him by the hand and teach him to suck the marrow out of life every day. Remember the Robin Williams movie, “Dead Poets Society?” Carpi Diem – Seize the Day. This is my mission.

For each of us the path to recovery is highly personal. Good luck with your own internal search. Peace.

Here is a link to a one-minute book trailer for “The Shade Tree Choir”

http://youtu.be/y3EWghb6qnU