Abandonment and Child Abuse

Abandonment & Child Abuse

Part of My Story

Three types of child abuse include sexual, physical and emotional. I was never abused sexually and am unable to speak to that issue. Statistics gathered by the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System in 2012, revealed 78% of reported cases of child abuse were from neglect, 18% from physical abuse and 9% from sexual abuse. 1640 children died in 2012 from physical abuse in America. Physical abuse is defined as punching, kicking, and beating, biting and burning.

I was a victim of physical and emotional abuse. Those two forms of abuse happened to me from age eight until age seventeen – at which point I graduated from high school and left the house immediately. You can read about my abuse in my book, The Shade Tree Choir. My web site is www.davidnelsonauthor.com.

Here is the prologue from The Shade Tree Choir. “I struggled for air and could only whimper for him to stop hurting me. I could feel my ribs being crushed against the floor by his heavy weight on my upper back. The sheer force of his hand stung my wrist as he pulled my arm behind my back and yanked sharply upward. I thought he was going to break it off. The shag carpet ground against my face like sandpaper and I could feel the tearing of my skin. My nose pushed into the fibers and I could barely breathe through the burning sensation of pain. I gagged at the smell of the filthy tattered carpet, at the stench of a decade’s worth of dog waste and urine. As I struggled weakly against his grip, I choked on the odor of unwashed feet, mud, grime, and ground-in food. My stomach heaved at the sickly scent of bourbon and beer and hopelessly, my tears and sweat mingled into the carpet beneath me.

Why was my dad doing this awful thing to me? What had I done to deserve such treatment?

I was eight years old.” 

My mother was mentally ill and both parents were alcoholics. Those factors and their abusive personalities were the causes for my childhood maltreatment. Readers here from similar backgrounds will nod in agreement about today’s subject. Abandonment by parents who are alcoholics causes a lifetime fear that begins in childhood.

In my case, I had no maternal nurturing - none, whatsoever. I never heard the words, “I love you” from my mother. There were no questions from her about how I felt, what I might have done on any certain day or what opinions I might have had.

That sterile relationship is a form of abandonment. The child is left to fend for himself and tries to develop trust on his own. The trust or belief system is: “How do I know you too won’t abandon me?” Children in situations like mine have no skills or knowledge about how to trust others. Consequently, the child struggles seeking a method to develop such. That child learns quickly to become self-reliant dealing with issues of trust.

The child develops both insulation and isolation techniques. One technique tends to become more dominant. As the child ages, he/she will then follow primarily one of those techniques because it worked better as a survival tool when the child was small.

Some examples of insulation might include shutting down or becoming numb emotionally in order to feel no pain. Often this person is referred to as having a wall or a barrier around his inner self. The child shuts others out, has difficulty with interpersonal relationships because he/she won’t share feelings. There is that deep-seated lack of trust that if someone enters into their heart, they will cause great pain.

The older the person becomes, the better they are at insulating themselves. The person who follows this path does attempt to become involved emotionally with others – such as with the opposite sex. However, the relationship is limited in how far it can grow because of the lack of trust issue. Insulating personality types tend to be self-reliant strong-willed and are comfortable up to a certain level of attachment.

Isolating is when the individual totally refuses to become attached. This person uses that wall for protection and never lowers it. Trusting in all relationships is miniscule at best. This individual may have difficulty in all social environments.

It is not unusual with physical abuse situations to experience what I call the yo-yo syndrome. There were times, as a kid, when I was beaten and punched with a fist, kicked with steel-toed work boots or whipped with a belt. Before I could even recuperate from that pain, my dad’s personality changed and all of us might pile into the car and go get ice cream cones. This inconsistent behavior taught me to expect something negative was going to happen with every positive event. I learned not to trust those positive events - because surely something bad would follow. This began early on from the feelings of, “Come here I love you. Now, get the hell out of my face because I hate your guts.”

I constantly analyze every word spoken to me by others to gain a sense of their loyalty. I can be someone’s best friend if I feel they will not harm me. I will run away emotionally and physically as well, from anyone who presents any sign of that yo-yo syndrome. I had to take it as a helpless child, but I don’t have to accept it as an adult.

The constant analyzing for over six decades has brought with it significant anxiety. I suspect it may be an underlying cause of some of my health issues because of stress. I live with constant fear of abandonment. Again, after all, if my own parents abandoned me, then others surely will.

What I described are two examples of emotional and physical abandonment. That type of sterile and yo-yo behavior occurred every day in my life while living at home. I am no different than all the other people who had alcoholic parents. It’s a common practice and it’s a common character flaw we adults of alcoholic parents carry with us.

I know of people who actually sabotage their employment and/or their personal relationships just to “prove” that things will fall apart. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the belief process that they will be abandoned. The person lives under constant anxiety wondering when things will fall apart.

He/she can live life, as a pessimist feeling bad events will be coming their way. Consequently, the stress they experience can lead to actual physical ailments. Stress can maim and it can kill us. The individual becomes a person who has to be in control. Because with control comes safety that there will be no harm done to them.

Here is a practical example. Imagine two people have a long distance relationship of more than 800 miles (for an example) and are planning to unite in the future. Let’s say the man is a victim of abuse and has serious deficiency issues with trust and fear of being abandoned. He has absolutely no control over the behavior of his lady friend. He cannot see her to communicate any feelings and all he has is her spoken or written word. That man will revert to the skills he learned as a child wondering when he will be abandoned. The relationship will fail – 100% guaranteed, because he has no control. Now imagine the woman has the same childhood issues. Their relationship is caustic.

I have worked on my fear of abandonment for thirty-five years. 99% of the time it is in check and hidden deep inside. I feel control. When I fail, I experience a terrible reaction. I feel sick to my stomach like I did at age eight when I was about to be beaten. I then have to react to rid myself of the emotional pain.

Techniques I use include the wall (in times of emergency), meditation, physical exercise, sleep, writing and visualization. The wall is an emotional barrier where I shut down and do not share my inner feelings or myself. I realize that using the wall is not healthy in my relationship, but it’s an old, dear friend. Shutting down can last a couple of hours, a day or up to a week. I use meditation to help get rid of my physical symptoms. That is my best form of treatment.

I will work hard at the gym and the adrenaline and other chemical releases help eliminate physical reactions to my fears. I may also try long hours of deep sleep. This too, can reduce stress. I love to write and can escape the overwhelming sense of sadness that comes when fear of being abandoned is present. I visualize myself as being in control of situations.

I also use laughter. When we experience deep laughter there are chemical releases that occur in the body known as “happy hormones”. This creates a sense of euphoria and reduces stress. I may watch a comedy, make up stories that are funny or see comical moments in everyday life.

Another powerful tool I use is called a Treasure Map. I think about the goals in life that I wish to achieve. I find pictures that remind me of those goals. The pictures are taped to a board and placed in my bathroom. Every night and every evening I touch the pictures and tell myself I will meet the goals. I don’t ask when or how. I just know they will be met. I am on my third Treasure Map in my adult life. I met every single goal posted on my previous Treasure Maps.

All of the techniques I described can be healthy tools for managing daily stress. Using the wall to shut out others is the least accepted.