PALS: "Twice a Day Confessions"

“Twice a Day Confessions”

Jim Faber was a Catholic who was asked to leave Holy Trinity School because he was caught smoking one too many times. It didn’t help that the Head Nun had it in for him. He put in more hours after school than Kosta, Rex, Tom or me combined. That nun made him wash the blackboards, slap the chalk from erasers, polish the wood floors, and sweep the sidewalk. He never knew what ticked her off so much, but she most certainly did not like him. 

We knew this kid long before he arrived at Jefferson.  Reputations grew quickly and faster, than Mickey Mantle sprinting for second base. Any insurrection against authority mushroomed the perpetrator into stardom. The legend goes that Jim walked into the office at Holy Trinity one morning and was greeted by the secretary saying, “Hello, Jim.  What can I do for you? Why are your cheeks all puffed out?”

With a huge explosion from his small lungs and tightened abdominal muscles he let go with a puff of smoke that nearly filled the area behind the counter. The secretary was bent over wiping her eyes and gagging for help. Jim leaned his left elbow up on the counter, propped his head against his hand and continued puffing away on his Marlboro like a James Cagney character in some crime movie. The ashes grew, as did the suspense.

The head nun, Sister Mary Louise came running out of her office with an oak pointer with a black rubber tip on the end. She shoved the choking secretary against the file cabinets almost knocking her to the floor and screamed at her to call Father Ralph immediately. Sister never turned Jim around to hit his butt. She whaled away at any body part that got in the way of the stick. She beat him with all her strength. Jim continued puffing away and spun his backside toward her. She continued pounding away until Father Ralph ran into the room and grabbed her right arm in mid-swing.

“What in God’s name is going on here,” he demanded.

“This heathen came into the office smoking. Yes, he walked right in here with that cigarette. I want him expelled. Why I want him excommunicated. The Holy Father in Rome needs to hear about this!” She screamed at the priest.

“All right everybody calm down. Margaret, I want you to call Jim’s mother and get her here now. Sister, you go somewhere and collect your composure. I suggest you go to chapel and pray for forgiveness for what you did to Jim.”

She fiddled with her rosary beads, squinted her eyes at Jim, and ground her teeth as she stormed out the door toward the chapel. She didn’t see the wink Jim gave her. If she had, the Holy Father in Rome might indeed have become involved in a murder case.

It seems earlier that day Jim had served morning mass with Father Ralph at ten minutes after seven before school began. All Catholic school kids had to attend mass everyday and attend confession. It was the third period when Jim’s class went to the eleven o’clock mass. Sister Mary Louise noticed he did not go to confession and demanded he do so. He told her about confessing earlier before school when he served mass. She twisted his left ear like ringing out a washcloth and demanded he go. He followed her orders.

“Bless me, Father for I have sinned. It has been four hours since my last confession.” He said.

“What? Why are you here, my son?” Father Ralph asked.

“Sister Mary Louise made me.”

“Well then, have you sinned in the last four hours?”

“Yes, Father I had impure thoughts about Sherry Kretchmeyer an hour ago.”

“So have I my son, say two Hail Marys and one Our Father.”

The more Jim thought about having to confess twice in one day and especially spill the beans about Sherry Kretchmeyer, the more ticked off he became. And so it was that he went to his locker, took out a hidden Marlboro and entered the office. It was the last time he smoked in that school. It was the last time he went to that school.

By the time Jim arrived at Jefferson the next day we all knew about the event. He was already a minor god in our eyes.  Kosta and I talked about him in homeroom. We had a new smoking buddy, but more importantly, Jim was an immediate friend as he too despised authority. 

Jim was the second biggest kid in our class behind Alan Meade who wrestled heavy weight and was our fullback on the football team. Jim was the first person I’d ever met who could talk without moving his upper lip much at all. That intrigued me and I also like the way he told jokes and stories each time we were together. I liked to make others laugh and so did Jim. He was a prankster who had naturally good looks, stood a head above all of us, and had bulging muscles from lifting weights with his older brother. He was an immediate hit with the girls. To seal our friendship, he appreciated my tip about sitting to the left side of the girls to sneak a peek.